STOP TRYING TO GET RID OF YOUR PROBLEMS.

We all struggle with something.

You cannot get away with not having shit you have to deal with in your life.

Experiences where there are wounds, ouchy bits, missing links, bumps in the road and areas where you just can’t seem to get your shit together.

The thing is though, the issue is not the struggles themselves.

The issue is how we relate and respond to the struggles.

Because the reality of life is challenges and flaws will ALWAYS be there.

You cannot get rid of them EVER.

To grow and evolve is to learn and fuck up, to take one step forward and two steps back and that is the human journey.

And when you can humbly accept that the flaws and fuck ups are never going to end then you can stop harshly beating yourself up when they inevitably keep coming.

You can stop trying in vain to desperately clear away all your shit to become perfect and start doing the real work which is learning how to be graceful and loving with yourself and others in the messy process that being a human is.

Then when you witness your shit show up in yourself or your life, when you see that same pattern, that same trauma reoccurring, another hurdle, another flaw;
Rather than being self loathing, judgemental, angry, upset, critical, defeated, shameful and being a victim or a punisher to our flaws (which only makes the whole things a thousand times worse)

You bring love to them.
You bring gentleness.
Curiosity.
Care.

Because the parts of you that struggle are the parts of you that need your love the most.

Don’t add fuel to fire by trying to banish them away as wrong and something fucked up that shouldn’t be there.

How awful for your most tender, retarded, wounded, hurting bits!

To try to get rid of every part of you that isn’t ‘perfect’…

To place ridiculously high expectations on yourself that you ‘should’ have sorted this out already.

How counterproductive is it in the path to finding contentment!?

Please don’t make another problem, by making your problem a problem.

To have your shit come up and respond to it with loving, gentleness rather than harsh drama, knowing that it is all just a learning experience..that’s the real work.

To learn how to accept that a big part of life is just you tripping up, falling, making mistakes, saying sorry, having compassion for yourself knowing that you are doing your best and there is nothing wrong with you.

And when the struggles come again seeing them as just another opportunity for us to make a different choice and act in another way and to keep growing.

Then and only then do your ‘problems’ have any chance of being anything else.

Then and only then can you begin to find real peace.

New Mantra.

I am not broken I am learning.

I am not fucked up I am growing.

Small Steps. New Choices.

We all have things we are working on and that’s part of being human.

So put down the harsh self flagellation stick and enjoy the journey.

If You’re Not Being Regularly Humbled By Life – You’re Doing It Wrong.

In a world where success, getting to the top, and being an ass kicking badass powerhouse is often the desired outcome for a life well lived… I think humility gets an underrated rap.

To regularly find yourself in a place of ‘wow there is so much I don’t know’ reflects a much deeper wisdom than thinking you’ve always got it sorted.

I always think of that iceberg analogy that we really only have conscious awareness of the tiny tip visible above the water, while the other 80/90 percent of what’s going on is down below the surface and a complete mystery to us. We can only process so much of reality at once and this is just fact.

And that fact is, in the grand scheme of things we don’t know shit.

Recognising our smallness is just as valuable as being big, bold and out there. Feeling that we are but a tiny insignificant blip on the epic landscape of existence allows us to not take ourselves or life to seriously.

Over the past year or so much of my ego has been torn to bits around this. Mountains of false pride and naive arrogance ripped out from under me and although many times I’ve wanted to die and felt like I was, the continual gift that I’ve received from the process is that it has softened me.

It’s made me more compassionate, more receptive, humble and real. My mind has become less fixed and rigid about how things are or who I think I am and I feel more connected rather than seperate from life.

I find now that I’ll regularly have a belief or make an assumption about something or someone and an hour later have reality present me the complete opposite perspective. I think that’s able to happen because a level of rigidity in myself has dropped.

I’m not talking false humility that comes from a sense of shame or low self worth. That shit is just as damaging as a big boasting ego.

I’m talking about genuine humility as a space where we do not feel we are better OR worse than anyone, but the same as.

I’m talking about actually being strong enough in yourself to hold your ideas about who you are and how the world is lightly and to be willing to have your perspective changed in an instant.

Feeling regularly humbled by life is a beautiful thing. Because it means we are genuinely evolving. It means we are tapped into life beyond our own ego and narcissism. It means we are letting ourselves be soft enough to be transformed.

Life wants to open us, grow us, take us deeper and is constantly giving us opportunities for it.

Walking in the world with humility and receptivity is a super power that requires a huge amount of courage, surrender and letting go of control.

To love getting your ass kicked as much as you love kicking ass.

To enjoy having your ego handed to you on a plate as much as you enjoy nailing that shit.

To relish the feeling of vulnerable insignificance alongside your huge limitless supernova capacity.

That is true power right there.

That is a life being well lived.

A LOVE LETTER TO LIFE

Dear life,

Thank you for loving me.

When you are stroking and caressing me and I am purring.

When you are kicking the living shit out of me and I am bruised, beaten and hurting.

When you are bringing me more pleasure and joy than I think is possible.

When you are threatening to destroy and dismantle everything that I hold close.

THANK YOU for loving me.

When I’m abandoned and when I’m welcomed. When I am terrified and when I am unstoppable. When I am deeply seen and when I am painfully ignored.

Every. single. moment.
Thank you for your love.

I know I’ve been ferociously fighting you for so long.

Fists clenched at eye height, taking you on.

I’ve been resisting you, manipulating you,
controlling you (at least attempting too!)

Protecting myself from the scary unknown of you.

Desperately scrambling for a way out.
Scanning constantly for the eject button.
White knuckles clinging to your edges in panic.

Terrified to really rest back, to let go and fall into you.

But STILL you go on loving.

No matter how much I try to resist. Still you go on weaving me into your own web of ecstatic, traumatic poetry.

Like I’m piece of silken thread being looped through one portal to the next by you. Lifetimes, generations, realms and realities layering and linking me to this exquisite tapestry of existence.

THANK YOU.

No matter how much I try to plan or schedule every detail of you in my mind. Still you go on creating the most epic movie I couldn’t have made up if I had tried.

Unexpected plot lines, archetypal characters, tragedies, failures, comedy, horror, uprisings of the most creative, intricate genius.

Proving to me, my very small role to play in a much bigger story and I don’t even know the half of it.

Convincing me I should really just breathe, sit back and enjoy the show.

Thank you for loving me.

No matter how I try to assure myself I’m in control. Still you go on spinning the stars.

Like people are planets and places are pockets of the universe. Orbiting around each other, pulled by magnetic fields and cosmic rotations beyond our minds contemplations.

Confirming without a doubt that this interconnected cosmic soup of reality is your orchestration.

And I am but a twinkle in this magnificent constellation.

Thank you for RELENTLESSLY loving me.

And I know now for this love to be really next level, you need my cooperation.

Because if I trust you this can actually be a collaboration rather than a battle.

To know in my bones that everything you give me is a gift.
To sign off on every parcel and package of love you deliver.
To open to receive each of them fully.

The painful gifts
The sweet gifts
The scary gifts
The tender gifts

The bliss and the shit gifts.

All of them.

Thank you so much for persisting.
Even with how fucking hard I’ve been pushing and resisting.

You’ve shown me more than enough times now, that you have got me.

And so, Life.

Thank you.

I love you too.

I trust you.

And I’m in

THE JOURNEY TO BECOMING A GROWN ASS HEALTHY ADULT

The journey to being a healthy adult is realising that you are not just your 30 or 40, 50 year old self (or whatever age you are right now) but more like a babushka doll.

Every year you’ve lived before exists inside of you right now all the way down to your new born self.

Each version holds different memories, needs, behaviours and expressions. Each one makes up who you are, how you behave, what you believe, the decisions you make right now.

The health of yourself physically, emotionally and mentally begins with this awareness.

Like when you feel really insecure around the opposite sex, it’s not you now but your 15 year old self who got rejected in high school for being ugly.

Or when you get really fucking angry when your partner vagues out for a moment, it’s your 4 year old who never felt heard by your father.

When your stomach goes into knots at the thought of speaking in public it’s your 10 year old that used to stutter and get laughed at.

Your inability to take care of yourself and eat well is your newborn that never got breastfed.

Your low level anxiety you experience is that you weren’t held enough as a baby.

Your shitty behaviours run deep and the study of Epigenetics is now showing us that our actions can stem even further back than our own life but even into our ancestry. (i.e you hold not only your own dolls memories but your mothers and her mothers and her mothers too – farrrk!)

However deep you want to go, this awareness is the key to being a functional grown ass person.

You can totally heal these parts of you and these behaviours, with therapy, support, with clearing and other healing modalities and even just your own awareness.

Exploring which babushka doll your reactional behaviour is coming from is where it begins.

Being a healthy adult looks like being able to see yourself as the babushka and when you crack yourself open and look at each doll inside; from last years down to your tiny baby self – each one feels safe, acknowledged, heard, loved and understood.

Each one is content and chilled.

If instead there are dolls totally missing, like if you cant remember whole chunks of your childhood. Or you see your 5 year old one is crying and sad about daddy leaving. Or one from a few years ago is still fucked up and mad about what your ex did.

You can be sure there are deeply held traumas and pain that need to be worked on and will be fucking with your life right now.

The journey to adulthood is about essentially about cleaning this shit up. Being your own mother. being your own father, your own safe, loving, parent and partner and healing the past so each one of your selves feels cared for by you.

I love the quote. ‘Its not our fault what happened to us, but it is our responsibility to heal it’

It’s your responsibility to be the grown ass adult and feed your baby, to give it regular meals and healthy bedtimes.

It’s your responsibility to let your 15 year old self know that it is loved and beautiful just as it is.

It’s your responsibility to seek out regular touch and connection, to assure your little ones that you’ve got their back and are always listening. To let them they can do ANYTHING and even if they do nothing they are STILL loved.

I know it’s scary. It hurts. It’s terrifying to go back to our memories and feel the shit that wasn’t so pleasant.

that’s why many never do it.

But the other option is painful relationship dynamics, hurting yourself and each other, mental breakdowns, unexplained illness, addictions and all the rest.

The other option is keep playing victim to your life, keep being reactive and trapped, anxious, disempowered and depressed and wondering why it’s all so hard.

So get the support, dive in deep, crack yourself open and take a look.

Get honest with yourself.

Don’t let the pains of the past, muddy and poison who you could be now.

Become a grown ass healthy person.

DO THE WORK.

The World Outside The Workshop Bubble

I have essentially spent most of the past 9 years in the conscious community, workshop, healing bubble.

Creating, leading and being part of spaces very outside of ‘normal’ mainstream society.

Magical rituals and ceremony, spaces which encourage full shameless freedom, spaces which invite total sexual emotional expression, places where there is deep sensitivity and feeling and conscious acknowledgement of what is beneath the surface of the physical world, spaces where there are boundaries and agreements and consent containers at every turn, yah that world – those familiar with this know what i’m talking about.

Although has been an amazing journey, I’m in a place right now where I am becoming more interested in the power of integrating all that I am and have received from these spaces back into society and embracing the world outside the workshop.

There is huge power in the healing bubble, don’t get me wrong.

In those time in our life when we are opening and uncovering new parts of ourselves and releasing conditioning and limitations we have taken on from the outside world, it is often valuable and sometimes absolutely necessary to remove ourselves from people and places that challenge, threaten or stunt this process. These new ways of being are fragile and its almost like in this first stage we often have to protect ourselves like a freshly planted seed. It is common in the times when we are building a new shape of who we are that we can really only handle having people and places reflect back to us who we are consciously becoming and we have to reject the rest.

This is a healthy and important part of the growth process.

But I believe there comes a point where all these requirements becomes a limitation in our journey.

When we won’t go to a family gathering because we just don’t resonate with our relatives.

When we won’t attend a nightclub because of all the drunk people bringing down our vibe.

When we won’t catch public transport because our nervous system doesn’t handle the stimulation well.

When we have a lot of ‘that’s not me anymore’ stuff going on its really worth looking at whether this is part of a healthy self preservation phase or actually just spiritual bypass bullshit. it’s worth taking note whether you are becoming more enlightened or more precious, non-resilient, judgemental and rigid, rejecting of whole aspects of what it means to be human and it projected it ‘out there’

If we can only be free and expressed in a conscious container or with a tribe of likeminded souls – are we really free?

I’ve been exploring this a lot lately.

Heading to festivals and nightclubs on the weekends, going to ‘non spiritual’ events by myself, embracing my family of origin, dropping my judgements around what is a conscious or unconscious space or person and really re-opening into the world in all its colours, characters and flavours.

It’s been showing me a lot.

I’m seeing hidden parts of my self coming to life that just couldn’t inside the conscious bubble.
I’m experiencing triggers and learnings and openings that I couldn’t receive inside a space where all the safe consensual boundaries were firmly held.
I’m learning new tongues and translation skills (as well as where i’m full of shit) by conversing with those that speak another language.

I’m learning all this by actually being out of the bubble and really living what i have been processing for so long!

I think the personal development world is truly amazing and a path I encourage everyone to explore. However there is also a shadow that can occur within these worlds after being pretty deep in them for so long and that is when we don’t know how to not be in them.

The problem starts arising when rather than integrating all those learnings and sharing it back out into society at large – we get stuck in the bubble of healing as a way of hiding from the original wound that created that bubble it in the first place!

We create these sheltered utopian communities usually in support of our wounded parts that never got it but we end up with a bunch of likeminded folk and become completely disconnected from the rest of the world and reality not wanting to go where it kind of hurts, where it’s messy and awkward and challenging and gritty and raw. Where we aren’t held in cotton wool constantly by people who ‘get us’ and speak our language and match our vibe.

And we end up not really integrated at all.

The bubble is where we go to heal and release and learn and grow, through ritual and process work and reflection and cushiness.

But its not all there is and its not really where the growth really happens.

The growth happens in the actual trenches of living. In spaces where there is adversity and challenge and unfamiliar places and people who don’t understand you and things that make you go ouch and shit and ohhhh..

We learn through contrast just as much as sameness.
We grow through challenge just as much as support.

Outside of your area of power and expertise, outside your womby community where its really comfortable, outside of the bubble of what you know…

Are you powerful, free, confident, loving and anchored then?

I’m not shaming the bubble here. The beauty of tribe and familiarity and the power of processing and healing. What I am calling out though is the massive danger of hiding in it and the huge power to regularly be where there is none of that.

Where you are alone, where you are not met or held or validated by your tribe. Where you are not learning or healing or working on becoming something. But simply being. enjoying the fruits of your healing. Serving those that need you and being with what is sometimes difficult to feel and face about yourself and your relationship with the world outside and also just having some fucking fun!

it’s so important to have regular doses of both.

Once you’ve received the tools, you’ve received the embodiment, you’ve got the ability to feel your emotions and clear your shit and be in your power – make sure get out there and live too.

It can be scary. But moving beyond the workshop conscious community bubble builds your self knowing.

The ability to hold your own energy, power, expression, boundaries and anchor yourself no matter where we are or who you are surrounded by is where true power is really tested and revealed.

And the bubble is always there when you need it

JUST DON’T LIVE THERE OKAY?

Because by rejecting aspects the world as ‘not conscious’ or worthy of your time and energy we perpetuate the separation that our new age philosophies are harping on about transcending.

We strengthen the divide between ‘us’ and ‘them’.

be the bridge. walk across it regularly.

There is no us and them.

There is simply a cushy womb and a wild world.

And we need both.

Let’s Talk About Birth Trauma, Baby.

LETS TALK ABOUT BIRTH TRAUMA, BABY. 😉
 
Because essentially pretty much everyone is walking around with some level of it yet many of us have not looked at it.
 
think about it…
 
We spend the first 9 months in a watery, squishy, safe, cocoon womb to being squished through a tight tunnel and popped out into the harsh lights of the hospital room with a bunch of randoms, then getting the cord that has connected you to what has been your source of nourishment for the past 9 months severed by scissors in an instant is pretty intense first experience of the world and the norm for most.
 
Not to mention if your mother was injected into the base of her spine for pain relief, numbing her from the waist down so she wasn’t able to push,
 
Or the doctors using metal forceps to yank your head out.
 
Or being put in a humidicrib due to (usually) medical intervention caused complications where you weren’t able to be touched or held for the first days or weeks of your life.
 
Even simply taken from your mothers arms for the first few minutes to be inspected in the other room is pretty common.
 
All of this will have a significant impact on your nervous system, your immune system and your psyche.Your first contact with the world is a deep imprint
that stays with you – whether you know it or not it will be running your feelings and actions as an adult.
 
Feel extremely triggered when you perceive others are pressuring you to make a decision?
 
it’s likely your birth trauma running.
 
Find most of your transitions are stressful and rushed, (getting to work, moving to a new house)?
 
yahhh birth trauma.
 
when you experience anxiety in new unfamiliar situations.
when you just can’t settle or stop or relax and be with yourself.
when you struggle to trust or open with another.
when you can’t seem to finish all those projects you started or get anything off the ground.
 
Yep – birth trauma alert.
 
Our birth experience essentially sets up our foundation for how comfortable, safe, secure, healthy, stable and flourishing we are in life, in our bodies, in our work and relationships..
 
For me my birth stuff has and continues to be my biggest battle.
 
For many years I️ didn’t fully understand why I️ was more complex, sensitive and intense than those around me. How I️ could be such an epic creative powerhouse but struggle to feed myself, how I️ could feel and see everyone’s patterns so clearly but struggle to stay grounded in the one home or feel safe in relationships.
 
But honestly looking at and dealing with my birth experience has made become so much more compassionate towards myself, able to communicate what’s happening and why with those that are close to me and able to slowly change the patterns in my psyche and nervous system to experience more grounding and security.
 
I️ believe we as a society don’t deal with this issue 1. because its not very sexy. 2. because we unconsciously all have it and trauma is a slippery mother fucker that will do its best to not be found out and 3.because we don’t want to shame our mothers or other mothers for their birth experience choices.
 
However this is not about blaming anyone or being a victim at all. This is not about shaming anyone or me saying that we have to all start glorifying orgasmic, non medicated, natural, home births and demonising hospitals and intervention.
 
Whatever experience someone had or has coming into the world is 100 percent part of their soul journey and is perfect.
 
I️ am personally so grateful for the experience I️ had because it has made me who I️ am the good and the bad. I️ don’t believe I️ would be as sensitive and have the spiritual energetic power and wisdom that I️ do without it and I’ve noticed with many I️ meet who had births more on the traumatic side they have amazing creative, spiritual gifts.
 
So like anything there is always a light and dark side and a blessing and a curse to all experiences including trauma.
 
This post is simply about having an awareness of the undeniable fact that the birth experience deeply impacts us and that this is the first imprint in your nervous system that will keep manifesting and repeating itself in your external life until you face it.
 
So for example maybe you were a forceps baby and so you always get this feeling you are being forced to do something you don’t want to do or having this pressure on you. Or maybe you were in a humidicrib and so you regularly attract experiences where you don’t feel safe or held.
 
Each pattern is unique but it will show up again and again in different ways that feel familiar which is like your psyche giving you continual opportunities to heal itself.
 
However if you aren’t aware of what the imprint is and how it shows up for you, you’ll have no idea and just keep doing the same thing and responding in the same ways over and over making the pattern even deeper.
 
The amazing thing is with all this research into brain plasticity and healing we actually can reshape ourselves and change these patterns.
 
It takes work, it takes patience and it’s deep intense shit and often there will always still be that subtle behavioural response in times of great stress- but huge change and recovery is possible I️ have experienced it in myself and others.
 
But the first step is awareness.
 
That Birth trauma is a THING.
 
A very deep and profound impactful thing that has shaped you or your child deeply and deserves some of your attention.
 
Start to look at your own birth or the birth of your child. start to understand and see the imprint and re-occurring patterns.
 
The first step in changing them is to even being able to recognise when they running.
 
Explore your birth.
 
If you don’t know much about it – Ask your mother what it was like.
 
Was she medicated? Were you held straight away? Were you induced and rushed out before you were ready?
 
What were the conditions?
 
Once you know them start to see whether you can then see those same patterns showing up in your life, in your transitions, in your creative work and purpose. In your relationship to the physical world and security.
 
And with that awareness you have the power to create something new.
 
To not react immediately when someone asks something of you and gives you a deadline. To go gently and slowly when you are creating or birthing new projects. To mother yourself, to let yourself be held when you’re scared. To communicate and take care of your needs, to have compassion and gentleness with yourself in times of transition or change as all these moments are an opportunity to rebirth yourself and have a different experience.
 
Birth trauma is real.
And we can heal.
 
We can reprint ourselves and become healthy, secure, grounded, relaxed, open beings who feel deeply safe and held loved in the world regardless of how it all began.
 

Freedom Doesn’t Come For Free

Freedom.

We think we want it but we continually choose something different.

Because when you actually wake up to the fact that you actually already are free and that your life circumstance is 100 percent up to you – where you live, what you do for work, who you spend your time with, how you contribute to the world, your capacity – ALL OF IT.

When your eyes open to see that it is in your hands, Suddenly you are popped out of any expression of victim mentality. Suddenly you cannot blame your limitations on anyone -not your parents, your conditioning, your environment, god, society – anything.

To know freedom is to know the terror of the limitless creative void that we are constantly sitting in the centre of.

The illusion we have is that freedom is easy.

But Freedom is to take 100 percent responsibility for your life which really isn’t.

Freedom isn’t just bliss its also equally a pain in the fucking ass sometimes.

To see that this life is an infinite playground of potential and you are in fact constantly weaving the web you live in is courageous, terrifying and full on!

To sit in the burn that you are the one choosing the thread, the pattern, the design and life is one massive blank space for your spinning.

I️ think most people on this planet would rather never ever face the epic responsibility that comes with that.

Would rather think this life is just the hand they have been dealt rather than seeing in fact that they are the one shuffling the cards.

That this is not just the ‘way things are’

When you realise you are free you realise your absolute responsibility to do something with that freedom and to sit in the centre of the burning searing pain when you do not.

Freedom?

Fuck that.

Take the blue pill instead and have another drink.

Or – Choose something else.

But if you want freedom then recognise what you are actually signing up for.

That that level of self honesty and knowing is not always pleasant.

Freedom is not all bliss and rainbows, laptop lifestyles and sexy Instagram shots.

If u truly want to be free strap yourself in for a ride.

The beauty, terror, bliss, pain, pleasure, fear, ecstasy, trauma

 

Strap yourself in for All of it.

Why A Free Man Is The Most Terrifying Thing For A Woman

A free man is one of the most terrifying things for a woman.

Because once a man becomes free,

He cannot be trained,
He cannot be moulded,
He cannot be controlled.

He cannot manipulated into who we want him to be.

You complain that your man isn’t strong enough,
Doesn’t fuck you hard enough, well enough, or frequently enough,
Isn’t strong or passionate or exciting or masculine enough.
You say you want a King who’s established and mature.

But what you aren’t getting is the very thing that would make this man all of that and more…

Is also the very thing that when it truly shows up, will threaten to completely destroy your Disney princess fantasy and christian conditioned matrimonies that are keeping it alive.

And that shit is terrifying.

A man who isn’t dependent on mummy’s love,
So starving for her nourishment and so scared of its withdrawal that he will do anything to keep it on tap.
A man who tentatively puts all his desires and needs aside for yours,
the strings of your purse tightening around his balls with every ‘yes dear.’

A free man’s integrity is more important to him than his need for your approval.
He loves you, but loves himself more.
A free man says ‘no’ when he means ‘no’ and ‘yes’ when he means ‘yes.’
And he’s 100 percent committed to living his truth and his path whether you choose to walk with him or not.

That kind of man is terrifying because it puts us women in a certain kind of position.

Where our tried and tested hooks no longer work.

No longer can we control with our feminine emotional sexual super powers and tricks that have worked on every other man since we became daddy’s girl. Those parts that know precisely all his weak spots and how to trigger, seduce, overwhelm, entice and frustrate him to get exactly what you want and keep him there.

When a man becomes free – No longer can we use him for our own sense of security, safety and holding.

And suddenly those things become our own responsibility
We are pushed into having our own discernment, to walking our own path and finding our own truth and fullness.

You want him to embrace and love your wildness, don’t you?

But what about his?

Not being in control of a man
is a terrifying fucking thing for a woman.
With memories of burnings and witch hunts in our blood, abuse, torture, control and rape in the collective memories of being a woman.

But don’t be fooled into believing we are the weaker sex by any means.

Over the years many of us have learned a far more covert style to have the upper hand.

You think patriarchy is a dangerous force of control and oppression?

So is a woman who wants a ring on it.

We’ve turned around the very thing that was created to own us – and used it to own them.

Payback, perhaps.

Who could say exactly?

But the fact is all of us are suffering for it.

Because man or woman – none of us are here to be owned.
To be put on a leash and given treats when we do good.
Punished when we do bad.

This isn’t about polyamory or monogamy or what is a right way of being together. But this is about examining what love really is and questioning whether the bargains and contracts and subtle power agreements are really that.

Its a difficult dichotomy to get a handle of, I know.

Because there is a part in all of us that really does enjoy being given everything we want.

the princess
the brat
the little girl

She doesn’t want to hear ‘no.’
EVER.

She wants it all her way
ALL THE TIME.

But there is a big sacrifice to pay if you let her run the show.

And that is the emasculation of your man and the death of your woman.

A real man does not get a hard for little girls,
just as we do not get wet for little boys.

Yet somehow we continually turn each other into just that and then wonder about why the spark has gone.

And the most terrifying thing about a free man is also the most beautiful and liberating.

because to receive the love of a free man is one of the most nourishing, awe inspiring, powerful, special things you will ever receive

because when he is with you, you know it’s because he really fucking wants to be there.

When he chooses you, you know it’s because from every part of his being that this is his truth.

Not because you worked on him to do so.

Not because of conditioning or fear or signed rules of engagement.

Because you surrendered to allowing him to be exactly as he is and the true love that has the potential to flower from there is magnificent.

Because you can truly meet and receive who he really is, rather than a watered down compromised version of him that came forth because you pouted your lip in just the right way and he caved.

Because secretly the man you really want,

The perfect guy that you so totally ‘deserve’

Is the one who won’t always make you happy.
He is going to challenge you,
scare you,
and he’s not always going to please you.
And fuck you’d hope he wouldn’t

because your happiness is not his job,

its yours.

Community, Suicide & What it Means to Love

What do you value the most?

You’ll know by looking at what or who you spend most of your time cultivating and putting energy into. For me, in the past it’s definitely been my purpose, my business, my personal development, my finances, and my to do list.  There has been a general sense of striving, getting shit done, and fending for myself.

Something began to shift recently and I started to recognize that actually none of that stuff really matters if we don’t have a deep cultivation of relationships, friendships, memories, and the nourishment that comes from connection with others.

And so I started to put my connections with others first.

On our most primal level, we are pack animals that needs each other. The lone wolf story is an avoidant pattern from trauma of being close and can show up in many dogmas – spiritual sovreignty dogma, I’m too busy dogma, I need to be free dogma, people don’t understand me dogma, etc., etc., etc.

I’ve run all of those. I’ve run them a lot. I’ve run and run from friends who wanted to love me, projects and communities that wanted to hold me. I’ve abandoned ship when things got too familiar, when more was required of me, when more of me would be revealed, or shit got rough and real and close up.

I haven’t been completely alone, mind you.

I’ve usually had one person who I felt really safe with – generally a partner or close friend – and they’d become my only lifeline and me theirs. Co-dependent, unhealthy dynamics would ensue because it is a very sick thing to have only one person who really knows the ins and outs of you, like all of you – including the yucky and not pretty parts – to only have one person who knows what’s going on in your life on a day by day basis and not just a random once a month catch up where you have lunch give them the cliffs notes and then be on your way until the next ‘catch up’.

WE ARE INFINITELY COMPLEX BEINGS with deep emotional needs of being seen and deep physical needs of being held. To bypass this shit or put it all on one being is to bypass our most primal instincts.

The destruction and death of the nuclear family as being our main source of fulfillment of those needs is evident in the high level of divorce rate, unhappy marriages, and broken families happening today.

I don’t think we have yet come to a new solution of how to be close and in community and how to do this well.

When shit hits the fan and natural disasters – zombies take over the planet or a second ice age begins – are you really going to give a fuck about your to do list and achievements? Do we really have to have it get to that point to recognize whats really important? Do we have to have a personal or global crisis before we realize what matters?

I’m not saying we have to forget all our personal desires either. We can’t ignore our basic survival needs as well as having an individual purpose and a drive to give to the world and a need for our own individual identity development. But the illusion I think many of us have taken on from a personal focused society is that at the end of the day, all you’ve got is yourself and this kind of ME or ‘I’ way of being is strong and misses out on a huge level of nourishment and power available when we band together and commit to each other.

A beautiful woman, Suzy, who was part of the dancing eros community and MANY other spiritual, sexual, personal development communities, decided to take her own life this week.

It hit me hard and gave me another level of confirmation of what I have been sensing and integrating so strongly this month.

WE ARE DOING IT WRONG.

Mental illness is a byproduct of being in an environment that does not know how to be with trauma and the emotional depth of a person and a result of an isolated emotionally low IQ disconnected society that does not have the resources to deal with people manifesting shadows. I know people get fucking triggered when I say that, especially if they’ve had their lives touched by suicide and mental illness – but I stand by my belief on this. HOW WE ARE SEEN AND RESPONDED TO CREATES OUR REALITY – THE FRAMEWORK THAT WE VIEW OUR EMOTIONAL, VISCERAL EXPERIENCES AFFECTS WHAT THEY DO TO US.

It is still possible to be surrounded by people and be completely alone if they don’t have the capacity to really feel us and we don’t have the capacity to reveal ourselves either.

I’ve watched people in eros spaces have deep dark and scary visions come up that completely freaked them out, turned them white and made them terrified for their sanity. When I sat down with them and shared basic Jungian principles about the nature of the psyche, shadow and dark nights of the soul, they instantly transformed in front of me into a state of peace and even a sense of being blessed and honoured to feel so deeply.

That is the power of having education, having resources, and being surrounded by people who can hold you and get you love you and not respond in fear to anything that shows up.

I remember after my stint in the mental health system as both a client with psychosis and supposed bi polar (sent that label right back to where it came from, thank you very much) and then working on the other side, handing people pills every morning and night and working alongside relatively emotionally and spiritually shut down support workers, I vowed that one day when I was a millionaire I would pour heaps of money into some kind of offering that had the potential to transform this system that was failing us.

I realized yesterday that I’ve actually already created something that has that potential.

Suicide only happens because we are fucking isolated and we can’t feel each other, because we aren’t with each other every day and accepting without pathologising everything that comes up, supporting each other. I’m aware this is a utopian dream right now and it is an extremely complex issue that requires a huge amount of clean up, but I stand by what I’m saying and truly believe that the quicker that we acknowledge what we all actually need as humans that we are not providing for each other, the faster we can actually make it happen and make the change.

So back to Suzy – who was an angel and is still an angel and her death is not going to fade into the background for me – it has put another level of fire and passion and energy under my ass for what I have created and what is still massively lacking.

Suzy was part of SO MANY communities that teach the very tools that I am speaking about – the emotional holding, depth, acceptance of all feelings as worthy of love and holding – but what all these communities don’t provide is regular ongoing connection and support – physical contact and holding and an actual sense of family and community that is TANGIBLE.

Not just a Facebook group where we like each others posts, not just random sporadic events, festivals or experiences where we all get loved up and open and then go back to our lives alone.

We all failed Suzy.

I don’t say this to guilt or shame myself or anyone else – I have absolutely none of that in my system around her journey and I know it is all absolutely perfect as it is and I love her so much and all of us for where we are right now.

But I still have the acknowledgement as a leader of the eros community and all conscious communities that claim to have loved Suzy, that we have failed her.

LOVE is not love unless it is actually in action that makes it real and tangible and here in the now real world shit.

I was in the middle of a Dancing Eros business planning meeting for 2017 – we were literally right in the middle of a discussion about sisterhood and needing to nourish our current community on a whole other level rather than focusing on expanding – when I got the news of Suzys death.

If that wasn’t a sign or extra push from the universe that we are onto something, I don’t know what is!  Suzy’s passing made that decision of focus a whole lot more real for me – not just a smart business move, but a life or death situation act of love that something needs to change RIGHT NOW in how we are loving and serving each other.

I’m not interested in a simplistic statement like ‘oh she was mentally ill’ so we can make ourselves feel better about not being there. Or about some spiritually fluffy bullshit about how ‘their soul is choosing peace now because they were too beautiful for this cruel world’ so we can feel ok and keep doing our thing.

Suicide rates and mental illness are rising. Facebook and social media interactions are as well.

It’s not a coincidence.

This can all be stopped with these three things things:

-Being surrounded by people with a high emotional IQ who can literally accept and love all feelings and expressions without fear or judgement. 
– Providing space for ongoing regular IN PERSON community/family connection with people mentioned above.
-Having access to the resources, frameworks and tools to heal our trauma and shit and understand how to work with it.

I have big big visions here of what I am feeling called to create community wise.

But we can all start now, really.

– when someone pops into your head – call them.
– take action with those you love – make time for each other regularly.
– focus on nourishing what you have within your current community or business rather than expanding out. (the expansion will naturally happen)
– Drop your ‘too busy’ ‘too sovereign’ ‘too unique’ stories and accept your need to be in a pack.
– work on your own shit – heal your past traumas that block your ability to love, hold and accept yourself in all your expressions and feelings so that you can then naturally provide that to people around you.
– make loved ones a priority.

LOVE EACH OTHER IN THE REAL WORLD, PEOPLE.

We need each other!

Why I Dance Every Day

I’ve been making it a practice to dance every day, whether it’s in my bedroom, or out at a gig, or club, or party. Dancing brings aliveness to my body – it helps me get unstuck from my rigid overthinking and gets me into my flow and my feeling.

My dancing is for me – it’s to open my body and let go, dancing for pleasure and play, feeling and freedom. Sometimes it’s slow and soft, nurturing and emotional. Sometimes it’s sexy and wild and dark as fuck – depending on how I’m feeling.

I often film sections of my dance as well – then I watch it back, loving and appreciating myself yes, but also noticing where I’m still holding back, controlling my body and losing presence.

Just taking it in – not being critical – but just noticing and learning about myself. Because the body DOES NOT LIE. It is the reflection of the psyche inside. How flowing, free open and fluid our body is is how open and flowing and free and fluid our emotional and mental self is. As Shakira says – your hips don’t lie – neither do your breasts, or your arms, or your legs, or hands, or face – your movements are expressing how open you are.

That’s why I’m so passionate about dance, and particularly non choreographed erotic dance (@dancing eros) as a medium for opening your body beyond shame and judgement and fear about your full emotional, sensual and sexual range of expression.

This is in a little section of the dancing eros book that is in the process of being edited and cleaned up right now. (Anyone know a good printer who prints oracle cards!?)

“Our body parts hold our memories, our stories, our fears and our desires. When we let go and dance – when we follow pleasure, when we come back to the naturalness of how our body wants to move rather than how it’s been taught to move, we can let go bit by bit of the prison of our conditioning.

So put on some music – and dance. Touch your body. Roll your hips like you’re making love to yourself. Stroke your hair. Let your body flow, open and unravel the stiffness and rigidity that can come so quickly in a world that is so shutdown from feeling.

Dance for your pleasure, not for anyone else’s. Dance not to turn anyone on or to impress or tempt, or to get it right, or to compete or get the perfect score.

Dance for YOURSELF – to unleash, uncover, and discover freedom in your flow.