Feel The Feels

I have so much respect for the brightest, shiniest, big hearted loving people because I absolutely without a doubt know they have gone to the depths of their darkness too.

This morning I’m feeling vulnerable. I am facing and feeling parts of myself that aren’t exactly pleasant. I’m allowing myself to fully acknowledge the pain I have caused myself and others in various ways. I’m not beating myself up for these ‘mistakes’ but forgiving, holding and loving myself through it and letting it crack me open into a deeper love of my humanness and imperfections and this life journey.

Running away from the dark shit is running away from the fullness of your love and the light that is possible in you too.

I see it happen all the time for the women who come to Dancing Eros. This attachment to the good feels.

“But I thought I was coming to an erotic dance course for pleasure why can’t I stop crying!?’

But then when they just accept, and let it out, they cry and cry and allow themselves to feel their deepest suffering. Suddenly their eyes sparkle, they look 10 years younger and this deep love and depth starts to reveal and be felt in them.

You can’t bypass that shit.

Well you can try – but you will ultimately always feel this disconnect from yourself and others that isn’t really going to satisfy or fulfil you.

Every person I have ever met who inspires me with their real bliss has had the courage to face the full on shit as well.

I remind myself of this, when I am feeling really vulnerable.

I know I am just alive and growing – polishing and deepening my heart into more love.

Because you cannot emanate real radiance if you have not felt the depth of your pain.

Being In Integrity With Yourself

How do you know you are in full integrity with yourself?

Integrity – meaning your body, mind, heart, sex, spirit etc are all aligned with each other and on the same page (i.e you’re not denying one aspect of yourself to fulfil the needs of another)

One way that has become very clear to me (this is for the women) is the emotional symptoms I experience before my period. – i.e PMS

I have experienced A LOT of bad PMS symptoms in the past – the time before my period being a full on emotional, terrible time (for me and everyone around me!) That intense, imbalanced PMS state was showing me there was stuff for me to deal with to get all parts of me in alignment.

Being a raging bitch before you bleed can be just put down to hormones – but my experience is there is much more to it than that.

The time before we bleed is when the unconscious is starting to rise to the surface – the veil between our mind and our emotional body becomes thinner and the shit we haven’t dealt with or faced within ourselves and our lives comes to the surface in an extreme form of crazy ‘irrational’ thoughts, emotions, etc.

I am about to bleed and I can feel AMAZING – Rather than waking up hating the world and being a crazy bitch – I feel emotionally deep, creative and powerful. I can feel life energy pumping through me. I made my breakfast this morning with this track on repeat crying and crying, feeling the beauty and perfection of existence in all its chaos and pain and bliss and stillness. (P.S There was a time when songs like this made me fucking spew because I was so rejecting my devotional self!)

This IS possible for you!

We should NOT be feeling like a fucking crazy person and experiencing emotional or physical pain before our period – this is some part of ourself screaming out trying to let us know we are off.

I’m really passionate connecting to and working with your menstrual cycle on a really deep level and this topic is going to be one of the modules I’m going to cover on this new online program I’m creating (it will come out around the same time as dancing eros online), which is essentially a program where I share all the foundational practices, mindsets, and resources that I have collected over the years to feel now like I am really in my grounded, embodied power as a woman. I’m going to be bringing in different experts from different fields and it’s going to AMAZING! – Let me know if you’re keen to find out more and I’ll keep you posted with more info soon.

The Fucked Up Things We Do In Relationships


I have learned the hard way how fucked up these all are:
– Rely on our partner to fulfill ALL of our sexual/romantic/intimate needs without taking the time to fill ourselves just as regularly. (i.e; self pleasure, solo dates and time away, romancing ourselves, social connections without them there)
– Rely on our partner as the main source of our emotional support (i.e; shit hits the fan in your life and they are the one who you always call – rather than widening your support network to include others)
– Have your partner be the only person of that gender who you really allow yourself to connect with and feel supported by (i.e; suddenly all your really solid man/woman friends drop away and your partner is left holding the whole responsibility for that gender’s presence in your life)

What a huge fucking pressure to place on one dynamic and person!

I feel like I’m purging out all my codependent shit right now. Some of it really hurts, and ALL OF IT it is so freaking good for me. I feel like I am holding myself on a whole new level.

So, I’m taking myself on a date tonight to watch a romantic movie. I’m going to dress up, buy myself popcorn and hold myself when I sob (I already cried watching the trailer.)

Whether you are single or in a relationship – please do not ever stop romancing, pleasuring and taking the time to love the fuck out of yourself so you and your partner (or future partner) can then come together from a place of really wanting rather than needing.
Don’t fall for the Hallmark, Disney shit.
Stay alert and awake in love.
Spread your emotional self around, let yourself be held and supported by many.
Don’t give up on your life, your passions, your independence, and the spark that brought you together in the first place.
I know the merge feels so good, but don’t stay there too long or you’ll both wake up one day going, “Where the fuck am I?!”

I Want You To Know Your Life Is Fucking Magic

I think one of the biggest things I live by and want everyone to know is that no matter what is happening to you or has happened to you in the past – I can absolutely 100 percent guarantee you that your life is absolute fucking magic and poetry. That in every moment that has and will happen you are constantly being deeply served.
 
When I had my psychosis 6 years ago I was initiated into this big time. I was totally cracked open after doing a lot of spiritual work way too fast, went down the altered state rabbit hole and amongst a whole bunch of weird and dark shit that was my psyche trying to process and integrate a lot of undealt with stuff, I also experienced the full on interconnectedness of all things for months on end, 24/7.
 
I experienced a level of crystal clear awareness of the magic of reality – that every relationship, every word spoken, every physical occurrence that manifested in front of my eyes was intrinsically linked. Literally NOTHING was seperate, nothing was a coincidence, nothing just ‘happened’ to us or was seperate to us. I was able to clearly see ALL THE PATTERNS within the seeming chaos of every moment, this ridiculously meaningful and so fucking symbolic “couldn’t have made this shit up if I tried” co-creation we were all doing was fully exposed to me. I could see how we were all playing these weird intimately linked games with each others patterns, compatible and incompatible frequencies playing out their karmic journey with each other in sometimes extremely subtle and also not so subtle ways.
 
From that experience I was 100 percent convinced that there is a web that connects all of us that cannot be segmented into good and bad, us and them, you and me or even this and that – I experienced that every single fucking moment and object in time that that has ever and will ever be is connected and inseparable to everything else.

I think part of me had known this all along. I remember when I was a little girl and something had gone ‘wrong’ in my day. I would lay in bed that night and ask myself

“whose fault was this?”

And then I would trace the turn of events back through the day then back through history, all the way back through all the births of every person and ancestor who was part of that occurrence, and then right back to the beginning of time and space itself until there was no one to blame but the universe.. and then I’d fall asleep!

I think it was my little souls version of counting sheep and purifying the ego at the same time.

“Instead of judging what is, he accepts it and then comes into conscious alignment with highest order. there are no random events, nor are there events or things that exist by and for themselves in isolation. If you wanted to trace back the cause of my event you would have to go back all the way to the beginning of creation. ” – Eckart tolle

I’ve known people who believe this is no meaning to life – that we are all just here and then we die and that’s that. That there is no higher force or connective consciousness power going on that we are basically just sacks or meat, blood, bone and brain chemicals walking around bumping into each other – and I just don’t buy it. My spiritual connection to life is not from a book, is not because a guru told me that ‘everything is connected’ and ‘we are all one’ it’s because I have lived that and felt that and I ABSOLUTELY KNOW it to be true and I really want everyone to know that.
And the thing is, even if you have not yet had a visceral experience of the spiritual connectedness of all this, this way of seeing the world is essentially also just a belief system that we can install and cultivate within ourselves that brings a level of surrender and empowerment that I don’t believe anything else can.
 
Committing to the belief system, that nothing is a coincidence, that nothing ever just happens to you, that nothing is seperate from anything else – that how we do one thing is how we do everything, how all of it is connected – is I believe the most empowering way to be in the world. It makes us wake up to the richness of our experience, to own about our part to play in every interaction and situation, it calls us to surrender to life, to see the magic manifesting in every moment. To know that even when shit fucking hits the fan and hurts like hell that life has SO MUCH LOVE FOR YOU and that love is sometimes a deep long kiss and sometimes a hard slap in the face.
 
This belief system and way of seeing the world essentially wipes out our ability to be a victim and puts us very quickly into a state of grace.
 
For me I am still a human and no way mastering this state constantly. I still have moments when I lose my shit when I blame or project or resist what is happening – however because of this belief that is essentially my religion that anchors me and the frame I view the world through – that space of resistance and blame or separation – It rarely lasts long, because there is a part of me that is far stronger, a part of me that knows that everything is happening for a reason – some of those reasons I can see right now, some will reveal themselves many years later – some maybe never. But no matter what, what I can rely on is that nothing is just some random shitty coincidence but ALWAYS a magical as fuck manifestation of divine consciousness moving through the physical form bringing me and everyone on this planet into deeper alignment and vibration for the highest good.
 
I want you to know that EVERY MOMENT no matter how horrific or painful is weaving this crazy magical tapestry of life that you cannot control or even sometimes fully understand your place within it – that 80 percent of the iceberg is under the fucking water and that shit goes deep.
 
But no matter how bad things have been or are, no matter how intense or challenging that the ability to be open to what life is so poetically presenting and reflecting back to you is all you really need. Stop fighting life and let it humble you. Let it delight you and move you, make you laugh and cry at the same time at the irony of it all. Or at the very least, hold onto a deep trust of the process and surrender into the knowing that more will always be revealed and you can be guaranteed that this too is love.
 
I’m going through epic shit right now. I reckon its safe to say I’m hitting the peak of the biggest internal shifts of my life thus far in what is being uncovered, faced, felt and dealt with within me. To be honest its really painful and pretty intense – HOWEVER – within all of it I am only being strengthened in my trust of the magic and poetry of life and how deeply I am being given exactly what I need – through the shit and pain is a richness and meaning that will never ever leave.
 
Life is not all rainbows, it never will be – but this frame is one I want everyone to look through because your life really is so fucking magical.

Sensitivity, Boundaries and Saying No With Love.

I am a very sensitive person which comes with both its gifts and its challenges.

Gift wise – I am tuned in as fuck and extremely sensitive to what is going on for people. I can literally feel and identify often very accurately a persons patterns within a few minutes of talking with them and it makes me a kick ass facilitator and coach because I can really get real with people.

The struggle is, I’ve really had to learn how to live gracefully in a world that often feels really harsh. This harshness I experience is because so many of us are so disconnected from what we are feeling and so we walk around emotionally and energetically stabbing each others soft underbellies without even knowing it. Yes at a core level we are all actually deeply tuned in, sensitive and psychically aware of each other, but because many of us at some point chose to disassociate from ourselves because someone else stabbed our underbelly with their own disconnection because someone stabbed them…the cycle of harsh shutdown relating continues.

Often as we open up and more and more, we can find ways of connecting and relating that were perfectly acceptable before suddenly become really painful – that sarcastic comment or jab cant be laughed off or brushed away like it used to because now you can really FEEL it and it hurts.

There are two things you can do in this moment when you can feel someone acting in a way that is stabbing to the heart.

1. if you value the friendship and connection – communicate with that person. the instinctual (and healthy desire) when someone hurts our heart is to close down to them – but there is SO much healing and power when we can communicate with that person about our experience vulnerably – you then both have the opportunity to go deeper and your connection becomes richer, deeper, realer and more loving through naming it.

2. If you just met this person OR you have tried step 1 a number of times and nothing changed – just stop relating with them! Be like the MTV show ‘NEXT’ and send that person back on the bus. Seriously, boundaries are LOVE. It is not unloving to say no to some people and yes to others, it is not unloving to be discerning about what you allow into your space to relate with.

yes everything is a mirror and a reflection of you ( i really believe that) but doesn’t mean you keep looking into a dirty ass mirror when you could just clean the thing! protecting your sensitivity is so important.

As much as I am very open, share a lot and frequently advocate vulnerability I am also equally as protective about who I get really close with, (i.e deep friendship, living situation, relationship) and to be honest my vulnerability and sensitivity is actually one of the best ways I decide who to say yes and no to in my life, because I wear my heart on my sleeve and am so tuned I can very quickly see who respects my heart and who doesn’t and act accordingly.

I say yes to people who are really clean and connected emotionally and energetically so I can fully relax into myself. I choose to always try to name stuff when it hurts if I value a connection, I too have stabbed underbellies before to protect myself, but the journey of life is to really learn that balance of when its healthy to choose to close and say no or when there is a gift to open up and say yes.

Discernment is key. Both are good and equally loving.

As danielle laporte says,

‘soft squishy heart, big fucking fence”

Are You Playing It Safe?

It is a fact that the areas of life where we are most developed become the gift we can give to others – the skill might have been naturally installed in us our upbringing, or we worked our ass off to nail it. The fact is though, whatever we work on becomes our expertise and we will then start start teaching and trainings others in that thing, being paid for it, recognised for it, appreciated and validated for it, it becomes our ‘thing’ because we know it.

It’s a beautiful thing to have something to offer the world but there is a danger if we ONLY continue to build and strengthen in the areas we are really good at as we can get stuck there and safe there and stop growing into WHAT WE DON’T KNOW.

For me a few of my areas of mastery are free expression, sexuality, emotional and energetic intelligence, intimacy, courage, and vulnerability. Although I still continually uncover places to deepen and move into there is a level of freedom I feel I have developed compared to many others is high. I absolutely know could easily choose sit in this place of expert for the rest of my life, be paid for it, appreciated for it and keep growing my success in it, but if that was all I chose to do I would be robbing myself because I’m hiding from all the areas where I still have SO MUCH TO LEARN.

I was on the phone to my mum yesterday having a cry about some of the areas of my life I still feel totally retarded in and she said something very true and wise

‘Vanessa the things you are doing would be so scary and seem impossible for so many people – you cant be superwoman – just have your accept your own path and your own areas of growth’

OH YEAH! thanks mama!

No matter how successful and masterful we get in something – it’s so important to regularly and consciously accept that you are retarded somewhere else and go into that just as much.

At the moment I’m finding the most juice, humility, power and lessons are coming in the areas that I have not mastered.

It’s physical strength, coordination, taking care of my body, structure, stability, cleaning up, eating regularly and everything i have in the past considered the boring normal stuff is giving me SO MUCH.

The other is music – I love love love to sing but don’t create half as much as I would like because my ability and skill on instruments and production is extremely basic.

All these areas make me feel vulnerable, retarded and awkward – but there is so much growth and power when I go into them.

My first piano lesson last night I felt myself getting all worked up and nervous when my teacher got me to start playing the chords. He said ‘I’m not going to judge you!’ and I realised it was me judging myself.

So I took a breath, gave myself some love and allowed myself to slow down and be a beginner just like I would with all the women who come and learn from me!

And it’s true – if you want to feel free to fully express yourself, feel yourself, be real and raw and connected to yourself and others – to create and be whatever the fuck you want – I’m your woman. If you want to learn how to do a handstand, play piano and have regular meal times – I’m not.

I feel so moved right now by the uniqueness of all of us and how we all have our talents (developed or natural) and our retardations and places of growth – and how we all need each other. How important it is to keep going into new territory outside our mastery so we remember that.

Learning something new IS awkward and often that is what stops us from going outside our comfortable box.

The thing is you are always going to be uncomfortable when you start to learn and develop something foreign – and it’s so important to continually feel that and take ourselves into places that are not familiar or comfortable – it keeps us humble in ourselves, compassionate to those that we are supporting in our expert role and allows us to keep growing personally.

Don’t get stuck in the trap of playing it safe in what you know – you can and are everything and there so much gifts in being a beginner.

Emerging From The Underworld

It’s day 4 of my menstrual cycle and I am emerging out of the magical underworld of my unconscious and back into everyday reality. I feel a bit scared actually because I know things are never going to be the same and the external world is already starting to shift to reflect the internal work I’ve been doing the past couple of days.

Our bleeding time is seriously the most magical and potent time if we can shift our awareness to see it as that and really use it. Unfortunately most of us are so uneducated about what is possible when we bleed. Swallowing down painkillers and stuffing tampons up our pussy trying to pretend it isn’t happening.

Our ancestors did not do this. This time was seen as special, sacred, deeply magical and potent and the women isolated themselves and spent time together going within knowing that.

For me, I have begun to use the first 1-2 days of my period for ritual and self guided healing and the past few months have gone next level and I have experienced huge and permanent shifts from the work that I do at this particular time.

The first day of a womans period is when the veil between the conscious and unconscious mind is extremely thin or close to non existent depending on how sensitive you are.

In knowing this, rather than fighting this time we can utilise it to gain really deep insights into whats going on for us as well as effortlessly release things from our psyche which would be MUCH harder to access at any other time of the month.

I highly recommend the book “The Optimised Woman” by Miranda Grey for women (and men who love women) to understand the phases of your menstrual cycle and how to work with them in your real life when you still have shit to do. It doesn’t go so much into magic and ritual making side of things, but it is an essential read for every woman (Read Alejandro Jodorowsky -Psychomagic for the ritual stuff!!)

Seriously we really don’t need to learn dogmatic step by step spells and magic from a guru, workshops, old school witchcraft books or religion, we have it inside of us and that magic is happening right now if we were sensitive and tuned in enough to see.

‘That time of the month’ is the deepest time to really wake up to that symbolic poetic reality that is ALWAYS PRESENT.

I think that’s what I love most about holding deeper intensive retreats. That ritual portal that opens up and all the amazing things that reveal themselves within that. We have that space to fully leave our everyday reality and go deep into ourselves to really see the truth and emerge with so much more clarity and power for the next step. It’s actually almost like we have our period for 7 days..! 😉 Sometimes it is crampy and hurts and painful but if we really listen, allow and go in there (which is what we will support you to do!) it is SO revealing and magical that it can completely transform you.

Balancing You Cock & Pussy Energy

The past week I have been working my ass off going into full on CEO boss bitch mode. It’s been amazing and I’ve been really exercising my cock energy on a whole other level. But because I am going so strong into my outward power, by the evening or in my spare time I have absolutely no interest in getting on the computer and looking at a screen.

Cock energy is about getting shit done, managing people, commitments, finances, schedules saying YES & NO very clearly and generally kicking ass and DOING in the world.

I’ve exercised this part of myself in the past a lot but I have never been able to go fully into it and balance it with my pussy and feminine energy.

Pussy energy is flowing, juicy, surrendered, receptive, relaxed. The part that cries and comes and surrenders and deeply feels, relaxes and receives.

I’ve hit burnout numerous times, suffered adrenal fatigue and had to abandon projects, miss phone calls and cancel events and be generally unreliable and flakely because I had fucked too hard with my cock and not been able to sustain my hard on! Then I’ll spend months in my pussy energy recovering and re-juicing and then I end up in the same place – very rested but with no money and no sustainable way to really support myself and reliant on others to support or provide for me.

Two much of one or the other creates imbalances within our work, life, nervous system and relationships.

At the moment I’m feeling a whole other way of being coming through and these energies are finally balancing within myself and my ability to transition from one to the other is getting easier and easier – it feels fucking amazing.

When I switch off my cock. I am fully switching off, no screens, no work conversations, no more direction or thinking or action. It takes awhile for the hard on to go down but I take a bath, I consciously soften, I massage, I self pleasure, I release emotions, make myself a tea, sit in silence, cuddle with friends, make music and do whatever I need to do however long it takes to FULLY RELAX my nervous system and go deep into feeling pussy vibes.

The ability to switch between the cock and the pussy energy is absolutely the most vital thing a woman can learn to do to really be in her fully power in the world. Making money and your mark on the world, AND being fully orgasmic, radiant and juiced up. Getting shit done and making plans and commitments AND fully rested and relaxed.

If your inner cock energy gets too big and your pussy energy is dry and shutdown. That’s going to really hurt.

If you’re pussy energy gets fully juiced and loved up and you’re cock is small and flacid – you are going to be dissatisfied and unfulfilled.

Having both in equal length, depth and power is WHERE IT’S AT and where you are going to find your juice!

Which one do you need to exercise right now? I find learning how to transition has been the hardest thing to master and takes a very strong commitment and awareness of when you are in COCK and when your are PUSSY and to know it takes a little bit of conscious effort to transition, but wow when you do you can seriously do anything.

I spent my morning on the phone and computer getting shit done. Then I lay out on the grass with home cooked vegies and a cup of tea with my body naked in the sun and lathering my body in oil soaking up the rays. (oh my god byron winter yes!!) Now I’m back in a cafe for another bit of work then I’ll be switching off again to go buy myself some ugg boots (its still cold at night!) and watch the sunset with friends.

If you want to listen to more of what I have to say about balancing your masculine and feminine energies and your cock and pussy energy subscribe to my website and stay connected!

Haters Gonna Hate

Backlash and criticism…It’s always gonna happen.

That’s why so many people never put themselves out in the world publicly. Why they are terrified of it and remain silent lurkers and likers on social media, consumers of other peoples creations and offerings but not daring to bring their own. the only difference between a public figure who influences and someone that doesn’t is the decision to be in the ring, that decision is an edgy scary thing if somewhere in us we are attached to being liked by everyone.

The reality is whatever you do there will always be equal challenge and support in every response.. No matter how beautiful, how high your consciousness is. how pure your intention, people will disagree, get offended, not like you. there are infinite beliefs, attitudes and experiences on this planet, infinite truths, but unfortunately many of us are so attached and identified with our beliefs and opinions that when you put anything out there for people to see – it’s one hundred percent going to move some deeply and trigger the fuck out of others.

For every famous person who has a million fans they have a million haters. If you want to be a force on the planet, influence many people and make big change the reality that not everyones going to like you MUST be faced and accepted.

I have seen so many prolific sharers of content and creations tell me that they never read the comments or critics as it just gets too much. I tend to agree and can feel I need to start doing that again now that i’m committed to being back in the public, not because i’m attached to my opinions but because I just don’t have the time.

I am here to share in whatever way inspires me in the moment – I’m not here to get in an online debate. I’ll happily discuss all this in person if we meet and at my events – but I actually am not interested in chatting here about who is ‘right’ and who is ‘wrong’, or discuss whatever technicality I breached in that paragraph or whatever triggered you in my language. That would actually be a full time job and I don’t get paid for my Facebook posts – so, no! Please if you don’t like it – the block button is really handy and I use it often.

This is my space and my expression channel to share whatever the hell I want on it and I’m not going to let the backlash shrink me back this time. Yes, sometimes what I say will be stereotyping and dramatic and disregard a whole other chunk of reality. But I’m not going to water down a point of view just so every side of the coin is covered and EVERYONE IS SATISFIED.

The reality of it is – EVERYTHING IS TRUE.

People are fucked and they are amazing. I am unstoppable and I am really fragile. The planet is dying and it is transforming rapidly. Mentally ill people are medicated mystics and they are not. ALL THINGS ARE TRUE and I’m aware of that, but any time we put anything into words we are essentially chunking down, boxing and stereotyping the universal soup that reality is all vibration and energy anyway. so – take it easy!

If you vehemently disagree with the one sliver of a reality I put forward in any moment – GREAT – use it to fuel your own creations and magic of the message YOU WANT TO SHARE with the people that would benefit from you! Be grateful rather than angry at me that I triggered you so much and go be the change you want to see.

Seriously, please stop highjacking my shit and go do your own thing and spread your message to YOUR PEOPLE. I really believe there is a better use of our energy than disagreeing and nitpicking with others and that is focusing on creating what we want. I know every time i’ve wanted to do that it is when I’m sitting in my resentful consumer rather than my empowered creator.

And that’s all i have to say about that.

(said in a forest gump voice)

Fuck Normal

When I was 22, on a diagnostic technicality some psychiatrists labelled me officially bi-polar.

The reason being, around that time, I had a full blown psychotic episode that lasted over a month that was not drug induced. According to the DSM (Diagnostic Statistics Manual of Mental disorders) I technically I had to have either schizophrenia or bipolar for this to happen.

So, bipolar it was.

Thankfully I politely told that doctor to shove his label up his ass and after an extremely epic year escaped the mental health system (relatively) unharmed.

That period in my life was full on, it was an opening and a connection to a spiritual, creative, embodied understanding I had never come into contact with, it was a deep processing of some really dark dirty unconscious shit, it was the byproduct of pumping way too much energy through a tiny little body that had no idea how to hold it all.

I honour that experience for everything it gifted me and one of biggest things that got cemented in that time and I am still extremely passionate about is the danger of labelling our emotional nature as an ‘illness’ or something to ‘fix’ rather than just being with it and learning from it.

Yes under some kind of ‘bible of normal’ I was a fucking lunatic and actually still am.

The difference now though is I can generally fully accept and listen to my depth and recognise the cycles of nature within – of light and dark, happy and sad, horrifying and glorious and honour the gifts that I have to go to the depths of feeling all of it. As i grow and mature my ability to be with and manage the fluctuations of myself becomes so much gentler. But I don’t think I will ever be considered ‘normal’ and I actually think the whole concept is a really dangerous one that disconnects us very early on to the depth of who we really are creativity, spiritually, emotionally and psychically.

Spending time in a mental hospital is basically like swimming in a sea of drugged up undeveloped mystics doing rituals gone wrong. Those places are concentrated proof of the damage done by a society that rejects emotional feeling, the unconscious and non rational ways of being.

These ‘mentally ill’ people had no idea how to manage themselves, their minds, their sensitivity and the depth of their life journey nor did they have the support from others to do so.

I have heard that in some cultures if someone has a psychotic break they are pulled out of society and supported fully to go through their process of death and rebirth by a shaman, trained to navigate between the worlds safely – and return to their community as healers. Whether this is true or not, I deeply resonate with this alternative and understanding of ‘mental illness’ being the emergence of the creative mystic within and have often felt how different my experience could have been if I was provided with something like this.

I watched extremely creative and expressive people come back from electric shock therapy like fucking zombies. I watched people with SO MUCH unconscious material coming up from their psyche be sent to bed with handfuls of pills.

Although in many cultures and schools of thought psychotic breaks are often associated with a spiritual emergence and awakening our current mental health model has absolutely no fucking clue.

In the hospital, whenever I would express any kind of intense emotion – sadness, anger etc when sharing my experience with some other random doctor assigned to me that day. Despite being locked up in a hospital with fluorescent lights, fucking awful food, sirens going off signalling different suicide attempts or emergencies ( I think it was pretty safe to say any normal person would have an emotional response to that) The doctors would nervously shuffle in their seats and take more troubling notes about my condition on their notepads.

I was continually told I needed to take lithium. I was told constantly to up my antipsychotic medication despite getting more and more rational and able to manage my experience. I was repeatedly informed on the likelihood of me relapsing was extremely high and I would need to take medication FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE to manage myself. and thank god I had enough inner strength and rationality within my storm to say Fuck Off to All of that and manoeuvre my way out of that world. Including answering their ‘sanity check’ questions correctly, like whether I “believed I had any special powers?”

HINT : don’t say yes.

Unfortunately many people do not have the soul strength, the spiritual/emotional education or the support to have the same success getting out. Many of those people I met there so long ago I imagine are probably still going in and out.

I remember one very eccentric guy telling me he actually enjoyed being admitted –

“at least it is a place where I can express myself freely”

that sums it up right there.

“boys don’t cry” “don’t be so emotional” “chin up and smile” “have another beer and harden the fuck up” “thats just hocus pocus”

the insidious illusion of normal kills the artist, the revolutionary, the deep feeling, the mystical nature of our soul.

A psych ward harbours the victims of a society that does not honour our full range of expression and doesn’t give a fuck about the unique mystery of the deep unconscious in every being

You can argue about brain chemistry all you want. but it’s the chicken and egg if you ask me and all of our experience is the by product of a very disturbed culture and society of ‘normalcy’

I am so fucking grateful I got through that experience. I feel so fucking passionate about the power of FULL YES spaces and very much for this reason.

if we all had been surrounded by a deep reverence for our unconscious from the beginning and this world was a safe space to fully emotionally and creativity express ALL THAT WE ARE. I am hundred percent certain there would be so need for straight jackets and padded walls.

Tonight I honour the depth of our feeling, our emotions and wide range of expression we are all capable of.

Fuck Normal.