So I have a confession to make.
As much I am a leader in self expression particularly sexual expression, an advocate and permission granter to all you to put of yourself out there and to not hold back…
There’s something I have been holding back.
About a month ago now I received back some images from a photo shoot I did **
When I received them I gasped. Some of them were SO fucking sexy and I could immediately feel how resistant I was to sharing them with anyone. Never one to ignore a twinge of resistance I’ve been pondering this reaction and what underlies it ever since. ive been chatting with different women, picking and clearing through the pieces of my psyche and getting a hold of what lay beneath this fear. I knew this was not the first time I withheld sharing something I really loved of myself – actually, I have lots of videos I film particularly of me dancing and singing and many pictures that have been taken of me that remain hidden away in my computer.
Now for many that might seem normal – as it goes most ‘normal’ people choose to keep the intimate parts of themselves private and share very little of their deeper selves with the public. But for me – I am a massive advocate of Sharing ALL OF YOU. I believe sharing fully, intimately, honestly about ourselves with others is one way we will really heal this world – because within that sharing we dissolve the separation, we stop being a perfect ‘public figure’ to pedestal and start being a human fucking being. I believe the world is realness deficient and experiencing an authenticity famine and we are CRAVING IT so bad. Craving the nourishment and sigh of relief that comes from recognizing through the confessions of another that we aren’t alone.
However what I’ve realized about my theory and how I put it into practice is I am much more comfortable sharing my vulnerabilities and struggles than I am in fully shining and sharing my light – particularly my creative and sexual expression.
Ironic right? Although I am here speaking and claiming and teaching full expression and sexual empowerment. I’m actually shit scared to really put that part of myself out there. Ha ha ha…
And you know why I’m scared? Well I’ve been asking myself the same question for the past little while and preparing for this blog and unveiling – because that’s what I do – I share for my own empowerment and for yours.
So here goes…
So what AM I scared of?
Why am I scared to share sexual, beautiful, amazing pictures of me?
Well, I am scared of being judged for being too beautiful. Too sexual. For flaunting it or being told I’m showing off or only doing it to get attention from men (Yep, had that said to me). I’m scared of women saying to me ‘of course you can teach sexual empowerment you’re young, thin and beautiful what the fuck do you know!? (yep that too) I have found myself on this mission of empowering women and inspiring them to access their full radiance – but you know what I’ve doing in the process? I’ve been dimming my own, I’ve dimming it so other women don’t feel bad. I’ve been scared if I share my self opening and dancing, or that photo of me looking fucking super hot, that women will say (or think) what the fuck do you know about struggle – look at you! I’m scared that putting out photos like this will intimidate other women and make them compare themselves with me and not feel good enough. I’m scared of being perceived as using my beauty and my body to sell who I am and what I do.
So – I’ve been holding it back.
I’ve been shining, but not TOO bright.
I know I am absolutely not alone in this. Through teaching dancing eros for 2 years now, I’ve led A LOT of women into accessing their sexuality and femininity in ways that they have never dared to express (or have but shut it down long ago) and there is a particularly phenomena I observed through doing this work that really highlights this whole issue.
The women who suffer from this are those who by society’s standards are smoking hot (P.S by teaching this work I can also assure you that true radiance actually doesn’t have anything to do with physical appearances) but it can’t be denied for these women good genetics just lined up for them. They’ve got naturally amazing bodies, shiny hair, beautiful skin, symmetrical faces, they look like top models yeah?
And do you know what I have found in every single ridiculously hot woman that has done eros?
DEEP fucking insecurity.
*GASP!* ‘Now why would that be!? Doesn’t physical beauty and a hot body makes us immune to struggle, Isn’t that what the magazines and television tell us right? Why have we been working so hard to look good!?’
Actually no – and according this theory I’ve observed it often leaves women more open to it!
And do you want to know where the bulk of that insecurity comes from?
Well, you might initially have thought its because they are so gorgeous they have been constantly desired/objectified/preyed on by men for being so attractive so they have shut down out of fear for their safety and yeah that does happen, but I actually find that is a wound that resides in nearly all women regardless of looks or genetics.
But the wound that I’ve found is particular to the ‘hot woman’ is the deep damage that has come from the judgment, cattiness and jealousy that they endured from other women about their beauty.
They have been called sluts, show offs, up themselves and talked about and bitched about by other girls their age and in turn its crippled their trust of the feminine in others and within themselves.
And although my story is different – I grew up with a face full of pimples and a mouth full of metal and am probably the epitome of ‘ugly duckling turned swan’ (still got called a slut though)
I believe this syndrome of the “hot woman whose too much” lives in every womans psyche on some unconscious level.
On a deep level we are scared to be too radiant, shine to bright or be too beautiful because we are scared of being torn down and judged.
It reminds me of that Marianne Williamson quote;
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? (and sexy – you left that one out Marianne!) ) Actually, who are you not to be? And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
The world needs more radiant women! We are robbing ourselves, our men, our children – when we hold back, keep ourselves closed, choose to shut down or stay in control when we ignore our intuition, when we put others needs first, when we make our own pleasure and connection to ourselves our lowest priority, we are robbing everyone of one of the deepest gifts we can give as women – our feminine radiance.
I want you to take a moment now to imagine that EVERY woman you know was fully filled up and expressing herself in the most loving, juiced up way. Imagine you walked into your local café and every woman there was fully open, her skin glowing, her eyes shining, her body fully soft, her heart totally open, her laughter easy. Imagine what that would feel like in your body? What would that do to you as a woman, how would that inspire you to open and care for yourself? Men how would that inspire you to open and fill you up, inspire you to step up?
Instead most women are walking around with their faces hardened, their bodies tense, their jaws clenched and their eyes Vacant, their hearts are closed and protected their juice dried up – most women when you look around not living even a fraction of the sensuality, beauty and radiance that they have available to them.
There is currently a deep disconnect, disrespect, disregard and devaluing of the worth of a womans beauty within our culture and it says a lot about the state of the world.
Feminine Sexuality & Radiance is the most powerful force on this PLANET. Why do you think there are billion dollar industry’s built from that energy? Why do you think women’s bodies and sex is being used to SELL FUCKING EVERYTHING? Because it is POWERFUL. Because it has the power to INFLUENCE. I would say like no other FORCE on this planet. And right now a majority of this planet is either using this force to perpetuate bullshit, or not using it AT ALL.
Women ARE the expression of the feminine energy on this planet – how we relate with women is how we relate to the earth (why do you think we call it mother earth?) By not honoring , nourishing, respecting and expressing that we are doing a deep disservice to humanity in ways that we don’t even realize.
It may sound a bit hippy and out there but this deep wisdom and power that women hold is known and recognised in many cultures and religions of ancient times. Cultures that worship women as the goddess and a reflection of the earth and the cosmos. When women open up and radiate their light they are fucking POWERFUL initiators. They become so deeply attuned to their feelings and emotions that they impact all those that come into contact with them. Sexually radiant, open, loving women are teachers, guides and healers. When women start to really open up their bodies, they feel everything, their wisdom is HUGE – every woman i have witnessed opening more deeply have this recognition that they are fully connected to EVERYTHING. I always imagine if someone like Tony Abbot or *insert your shitty political leader here* wife started doing dancing eros (or some kind of powerful, sexual, opening feminine practice) And she started to REALLY feeling herself that deeply. Do you think if Tony came home and said they were going to *insert horrific political legislation fucking up the planet here* she would be sitting down and politely accepting that and supporting him? Um no! It couldn’t happen, it would hurt her too much because open women FEEL IT ALL. They feel when shit is off, they feel when its out of integrity, they feel when its causing pain – THEY FEEL. A woman really connected could not sit by and watch that shit.
Now I can bet that Tony doesn’t give a fuck about your petition signatures people – seriously, he doesn’t. but I can bet you if the woman that he loved walked away from him because of his lack of integrity then he would start to feel the burn of his actions.?
I’m going deep here but this is literally how it works. That’s how powerful a woman’s love is. This is how important our radiance is. If women all over the world started getting super fucking empowered and it suddenly hurt to much to put up with the bullshit that was going on around them, men would slowly become starved of the sweet sexual essence of women that has so much power over them and they would be forced to change! A woman’s feminine sexual openness is not just about having good orgasms it actually has a power and capacity like no other human energy to steer this planets future.
Our sexual openness and feminine juice not just something that should ever be at the bottom of the to do list. Something that we hope to make time for when we’ve finished our studies or if the boss lets us off work or if we can make the time between running this errand and making dinner or when we get back from that trip or *insert whatever excuse you continually use to put off doing things that make you open up and feel good here * Us putting ourselves and our pleasure anything other than number one is creating way more suffering than we can even begin to realize.
OUR RADIANCE IS EVERYTHING.
So…back to my initial confession.. This fear of being too bright, to open, to intimidating that fear of being judged or torn down. This fear that I know plagues many women who have the capacity right now to be SO MUCH MORE RADIANT AND REVOLUTIONARY than they currently are.
I speak now to this feminine part of you. That perhaps slightly wounded you, a little bit frightened, Shameful or tentative part of you that IS SO READY to come out and share her light with the world. That hot radiant juicy woman that lives inside of you, inside of EVERY woman – that part of you that wants so deeply to fully express and be seen and to share all of her love. I see you. It’s time to let her out and its time to encourage each other as women to fully shine – and its safe. If women empowered sexually can truly change and influence this world the way I believe they can then we as women need to start here in supporting each other – because there is a lot of talk about what men and the patriarchy have done to women to keep us small – but I have witnessed first hand (and played a part in) the damage that we have done to each other as well. To start letting go of this tall poppy shit, fears of being ‘selfish’ if we put ourselves first or ‘up ourselves’ if we express our beauty. Its time to really be the powerful woman that we are. Its time to fully support other women to fully shine and flourish and express themselves in whatever way they desire – to CELEBRATE the feminine!! When we can do that we begin to create a safer environment for us to be the total juiciness’ that we are and really make some waves.
So in honor of this beautiful, delicious part of me and of YOU, here I am. I vow to only keep sharing and opening more of myself with you. And trust that even it does make some feel unworthy, I’m willing to pay the price to lead this liberation of radiance that needs to happen now! I’m willing to pay the price and be the permission I want to see in the world by fully showing up and not holding back any part of myself Anymore. And while I’m making vows – I vow to make my own pleasure number 1 – to make my openness a number 1 priority and my self love as necessary and sleep and water – to leave the depleted tanks and days of exhaustion being an acceptable reality behind and I invite every woman reading this to do the same.
No more excuses. Because if not now – when? Do it for the men, who are so longing for the inspiration of an open women to call him to step up. For our children, who are being shown the way of what it looks like to love ourselves and give ourselves what we need. Do it for yourself – because why would you not claim for yourself the full capacity of pleasure possible!?
But beautiful woman if I haven’t already made it abundantly clear to you – this is so much more than you – this planet needs radiant, open, sexually empowered women and it needs them right now.
No more holding back.
(Shout out to James Looker Photography for the images and Lauren Dietze who styled this amazing shoot!)