What do you value the most?
You’ll know by looking at what or who you spend most of your time cultivating and putting energy into. For me, in the past it’s definitely been my purpose, my business, my personal development, my finances, and my to do list. There has been a general sense of striving, getting shit done, and fending for myself.
Something began to shift recently and I started to recognize that actually none of that stuff really matters if we don’t have a deep cultivation of relationships, friendships, memories, and the nourishment that comes from connection with others.
And so I started to put my connections with others first.
On our most primal level, we are pack animals that needs each other. The lone wolf story is an avoidant pattern from trauma of being close and can show up in many dogmas – spiritual sovreignty dogma, I’m too busy dogma, I need to be free dogma, people don’t understand me dogma, etc., etc., etc.
I’ve run all of those. I’ve run them a lot. I’ve run and run from friends who wanted to love me, projects and communities that wanted to hold me. I’ve abandoned ship when things got too familiar, when more was required of me, when more of me would be revealed, or shit got rough and real and close up.
I haven’t been completely alone, mind you.
I’ve usually had one person who I felt really safe with – generally a partner or close friend – and they’d become my only lifeline and me theirs. Co-dependent, unhealthy dynamics would ensue because it is a very sick thing to have only one person who really knows the ins and outs of you, like all of you – including the yucky and not pretty parts – to only have one person who knows what’s going on in your life on a day by day basis and not just a random once a month catch up where you have lunch give them the cliffs notes and then be on your way until the next ‘catch up’.
WE ARE INFINITELY COMPLEX BEINGS with deep emotional needs of being seen and deep physical needs of being held. To bypass this shit or put it all on one being is to bypass our most primal instincts.
The destruction and death of the nuclear family as being our main source of fulfillment of those needs is evident in the high level of divorce rate, unhappy marriages, and broken families happening today.
I don’t think we have yet come to a new solution of how to be close and in community and how to do this well.
When shit hits the fan and natural disasters – zombies take over the planet or a second ice age begins – are you really going to give a fuck about your to do list and achievements? Do we really have to have it get to that point to recognize whats really important? Do we have to have a personal or global crisis before we realize what matters?
I’m not saying we have to forget all our personal desires either. We can’t ignore our basic survival needs as well as having an individual purpose and a drive to give to the world and a need for our own individual identity development. But the illusion I think many of us have taken on from a personal focused society is that at the end of the day, all you’ve got is yourself and this kind of ME or ‘I’ way of being is strong and misses out on a huge level of nourishment and power available when we band together and commit to each other.
A beautiful woman, Suzy, who was part of the dancing eros community and MANY other spiritual, sexual, personal development communities, decided to take her own life this week.
It hit me hard and gave me another level of confirmation of what I have been sensing and integrating so strongly this month.
WE ARE DOING IT WRONG.
Mental illness is a byproduct of being in an environment that does not know how to be with trauma and the emotional depth of a person and a result of an isolated emotionally low IQ disconnected society that does not have the resources to deal with people manifesting shadows. I know people get fucking triggered when I say that, especially if they’ve had their lives touched by suicide and mental illness – but I stand by my belief on this. HOW WE ARE SEEN AND RESPONDED TO CREATES OUR REALITY – THE FRAMEWORK THAT WE VIEW OUR EMOTIONAL, VISCERAL EXPERIENCES AFFECTS WHAT THEY DO TO US.
It is still possible to be surrounded by people and be completely alone if they don’t have the capacity to really feel us and we don’t have the capacity to reveal ourselves either.
I’ve watched people in eros spaces have deep dark and scary visions come up that completely freaked them out, turned them white and made them terrified for their sanity. When I sat down with them and shared basic Jungian principles about the nature of the psyche, shadow and dark nights of the soul, they instantly transformed in front of me into a state of peace and even a sense of being blessed and honoured to feel so deeply.
That is the power of having education, having resources, and being surrounded by people who can hold you and get you love you and not respond in fear to anything that shows up.
I remember after my stint in the mental health system as both a client with psychosis and supposed bi polar (sent that label right back to where it came from, thank you very much) and then working on the other side, handing people pills every morning and night and working alongside relatively emotionally and spiritually shut down support workers, I vowed that one day when I was a millionaire I would pour heaps of money into some kind of offering that had the potential to transform this system that was failing us.
I realized yesterday that I’ve actually already created something that has that potential.
Suicide only happens because we are fucking isolated and we can’t feel each other, because we aren’t with each other every day and accepting without pathologising everything that comes up, supporting each other. I’m aware this is a utopian dream right now and it is an extremely complex issue that requires a huge amount of clean up, but I stand by what I’m saying and truly believe that the quicker that we acknowledge what we all actually need as humans that we are not providing for each other, the faster we can actually make it happen and make the change.
So back to Suzy – who was an angel and is still an angel and her death is not going to fade into the background for me – it has put another level of fire and passion and energy under my ass for what I have created and what is still massively lacking.
Suzy was part of SO MANY communities that teach the very tools that I am speaking about – the emotional holding, depth, acceptance of all feelings as worthy of love and holding – but what all these communities don’t provide is regular ongoing connection and support – physical contact and holding and an actual sense of family and community that is TANGIBLE.
Not just a Facebook group where we like each others posts, not just random sporadic events, festivals or experiences where we all get loved up and open and then go back to our lives alone.
We all failed Suzy.
I don’t say this to guilt or shame myself or anyone else – I have absolutely none of that in my system around her journey and I know it is all absolutely perfect as it is and I love her so much and all of us for where we are right now.
But I still have the acknowledgement as a leader of the eros community and all conscious communities that claim to have loved Suzy, that we have failed her.
LOVE is not love unless it is actually in action that makes it real and tangible and here in the now real world shit.
I was in the middle of a Dancing Eros business planning meeting for 2017 – we were literally right in the middle of a discussion about sisterhood and needing to nourish our current community on a whole other level rather than focusing on expanding – when I got the news of Suzys death.
If that wasn’t a sign or extra push from the universe that we are onto something, I don’t know what is! Suzy’s passing made that decision of focus a whole lot more real for me – not just a smart business move, but a life or death situation act of love that something needs to change RIGHT NOW in how we are loving and serving each other.
I’m not interested in a simplistic statement like ‘oh she was mentally ill’ so we can make ourselves feel better about not being there. Or about some spiritually fluffy bullshit about how ‘their soul is choosing peace now because they were too beautiful for this cruel world’ so we can feel ok and keep doing our thing.
Suicide rates and mental illness are rising. Facebook and social media interactions are as well.
It’s not a coincidence.
This can all be stopped with these three things things:
-Being surrounded by people with a high emotional IQ who can literally accept and love all feelings and expressions without fear or judgement.
– Providing space for ongoing regular IN PERSON community/family connection with people mentioned above.
-Having access to the resources, frameworks and tools to heal our trauma and shit and understand how to work with it.
I have big big visions here of what I am feeling called to create community wise.
But we can all start now, really.
– when someone pops into your head – call them.
– take action with those you love – make time for each other regularly.
– focus on nourishing what you have within your current community or business rather than expanding out. (the expansion will naturally happen)
– Drop your ‘too busy’ ‘too sovereign’ ‘too unique’ stories and accept your need to be in a pack.
– work on your own shit – heal your past traumas that block your ability to love, hold and accept yourself in all your expressions and feelings so that you can then naturally provide that to people around you.
– make loved ones a priority.
LOVE EACH OTHER IN THE REAL WORLD, PEOPLE.
We need each other!